Another one I met off OKCupid
Me: I want to be the wifey. i make great arm candy
2/25/2014 5:11:30 PM
Her: I'm pretty sure that sentence concludes you're on drugs.
2/25/2014 5:18:30 PM
Me: All the time I shoot up when I sleep walk.
When I saw your profile, time stopped, everything thing around me started to glimmer and sparkle as a band of trumpets started playing in your honor
Its been the best 5 mins of my life and I never want it to stop
2/25/2014 7:09:59 PM
Her: Are you sure that's not the drugs you're on? Lol
2/25/2014 7:24:55 PM
Me: It's possible. They may also be the reason I get a set of lips tattoo'd on my butt. I need a model for them though. Would you like to volunteer?
2/25/2014 7:28:42 PM
Her: I'm sorry did you just ask me to kiss your ass?
2/25/2014 7:31:12 PM
Me: I need it as lipstick pressed on a piece of paper so I can give it to a tattoo artist.
I'd do it myself but that would be tacky
2/25/2014 7:33:50 PM
Her: Honey I think we're past the point of being tacky when you have I'm a douchebag as your headline. Lol
2/25/2014 7:37:52 PM
Me: I just let people know what they are falling for. It's like a public service announcement about tornados
2/25/2014 7:39:27 PM
Her: Look bro, you sound like the complete package. Total winner in my book.
2/25/2014 7:41:21 PM
Me: Perfect. Let's get married. We shall have our ceremony in the parking lot of McDonald's then get drunk and play in the ball pit.
If the employees catch us in the play place I shall act retarded and you pretend to be my sister that's babysitting me. They shall pity me and let us go
2/25/2014 7:47:16 PM
Her: I do
Me: Beautiful because I'm a hot mess and I love you
2/25/2014 7:53:30 PM
Her: Well shit. Where have you been all my life..?!
2/25/2014 7:56:23 PM
Me: I was hiding in a closet buried beneath some clothes until some pokemon freed me from that miserable existence. I owe them my everything
2/25/2014 8:03:57 PM
Me: What are you doing right now? i say we hang out, grab a drink and shoot the shit.
I promise to keep my seductive powers to a minimum
2/25/2014 8:10:45 PM
Her: I'm a sex goddess.. you can't tame your lust for me. Its too erotic to handle.
2/25/2014 8:14:13 PM
Me: **puts collar on and whips self**
We are safe now. I'm feeling much better
2/25/2014 8:24:10 PM
Her: Lol ok dog
2/25/2014 8:32:27 PM
Me: I must warn you I'm very fertile to the point if you look at me the right way I get pregnant
2/25/2014 8:34:25 PM
Her: I'm pretty sure the word your looking for is spermtastic. I would be the fertile one, unless you have a magical vagina I don't know about.
2/25/2014 8:41:45 PM
Her: Haha ok well my first wish is that you sober up or share.
2/25/2014 8:44:22 PM
Me: **sobers up and shares**
We should hang out. Have you ever been to HOME of of rand rd?
2/25/2014 8:46:58 PM
Her: lol yea its a fucking high school reunion.
2/25/2014 8:48:45 PM
Me: Yes. yes it is. I ran into too many there from high school around halloween.
Meet me there tonight. It shall be magical
2/25/2014 9:58:02 PM
Her: Lol I would love too
2/26/2014 10:11:51 AM
Me: I owe you a raincheck. I had other things to do. I hope your day is magic with a k and you win the lotto so you can support me and my 27 kids.
2/26/2014 1:02:54 PM
Me: What's your number? I'll text you
Number. Continue on via text. Meet up and chat about things. Bounce to go to another bar. I make a move. It starts getting sexual. "I don't normally do this...". Neither do I. "That's good. Maybe we should go back to my place.
Get there and things get heated. Blowjob commenses. Stops and wants to shower. I watch robot chicken while I wait. Blowjob is all that happens. Go home to my girlfriend.
Feel free to grab my internet dating book, The OKCupid Code
Feel free to grab my texting book, Cut and Paste Texting
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