Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Will Smith inspirational video

If you haven't seen this: Watch it. 

If you have seen it: Watch it again.

Gotta try tellers

Click the pic above to read it. It's a reply on 4chan.

I could see it working from time to time or at least leading to fun conversation. I have picked up bank tellers pre community.

What to do when a girl wont commit to a date

Feel free to grab my texting book, Cut and Paste Texting

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Tales of Debauchery free pdf

A collection of tales from my journey in the dating and pickup community.

It's about 130 pages of getting laid and other activities of a sexual nature.

Be warned in advance.

If you are easily offended, this book isn't for you.

Feel free to grab it: Tales of Debauchery

Blast from the past 12 mins of comfort

12 minutes of comfort from Jared M Dwyer on Vimeo.

Something I'm trying

I'm going to test this out a bit and report back.

Feel free to grab my internet dating book, The OKCupid Code

Text at 7:34pm Tue May, 6

Her: Hello Jared, I have received your application for position of wifey. Thank you for your interest. If you are available, I'd love to conduct an interview with you at your earliest convenience. Please let me know a time that works for you. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you very much and I look forward to speaking with you. Best, (username) aka Beth.

OkCupid message Tue May, 6

Her: We have followed up with you and your provided materials. Thank you so much! -- Margaret

Text 1:06pm Wed May, 7

Me: Hey Emily, I appreciate the quick reply. Hopefully last night was smashing for you. I personally found myself having to rescue baby seals from a burning house in the arctic. Are you any good at pool?

Text 4:43pm Wed May, 7

Her: I am mediocre at best, unfortunately.

Text 6:19pm Thursday May, 8

Me: That’s perfect. Bring your ATM card. We’ll play for money. Don’t worry though I won't take you for much, just enough for a new snowboard. ;)

Text 6:20pm Thursday May, 8
Her: hahahahahah

Text 3:12pm Friday May, 9
Me: We should go on a trip. I'm thinking somewhere tropical like Antarctica. Don’t worry about bringing a parka. I hear it’s warm there this time of year. For fun we can race polar bears. ;)

Text 5:36pm Friday May, 9
Her: I love polar bears, however, there are no polar bears in Antarctica. They're strictly North Pole.

Text 8:24pm Friday May, 9
Me: That just means I've got to get on the phone with my friend P Diddy and have him drop some off when we visit. It's either that or we are going to have to make do with using penguins as underwater jetskis

Text 8:25pm Friday May, 9
Her: Why does your friend have polar bear connections

Text 8:38pm Friday May, 9
Me: A long time ago in a far away land, young p diddy was lost at sea and sucked into a wormhole. When he awoke, he found himself surrounded by polar bears. They recognized him as lost and took him in. Over the years they taught him many things such as the way of the bear and how to have rhythm and rhyme lyrics together. Then one day a science expedition discovered him while hunting. They told him that they could bring him back to civilization. Before he left he decided to say goodbye to his bear family. He will forever be in their hearts as they in his and thats how he got the polar bear connection.

Text 8:38pm Friday May, 9
Her: Wow

Text 1:15pm Monday May, 12

BJR: Feb 26, 2014

Another one I met off OKCupid

Me: I want to be the wifey. i make great arm candy
2/25/2014 5:11:30 PM

Her: I'm pretty sure that sentence concludes you're on drugs.
2/25/2014 5:18:30 PM

Me: All the time I shoot up when I sleep walk.

When I saw your profile, time stopped, everything thing around me started to glimmer and sparkle as a band of trumpets started playing in your honor 

Its been the best 5 mins of my life and I never want it to stop
2/25/2014 7:09:59 PM

Her: Are you sure that's not the drugs you're on? Lol
2/25/2014 7:24:55 PM

Me: It's possible. They may also be the reason I get a set of lips tattoo'd on my butt. I need a model for them though. Would you like to volunteer?
2/25/2014 7:28:42 PM

Her: I'm sorry did you just ask me to kiss your ass?
2/25/2014 7:31:12 PM

Me: I need it as lipstick pressed on a piece of paper so I can give it to a tattoo artist.

I'd do it myself but that would be tacky
2/25/2014 7:33:50 PM

Her: Honey I think we're past the point of being tacky when you have I'm a douchebag as your headline. Lol
2/25/2014 7:37:52 PM

Me: I just let people know what they are falling for. It's like a public service announcement about tornados
2/25/2014 7:39:27 PM

Her: Look bro, you sound like the complete package. Total winner in my book.
2/25/2014 7:41:21 PM

Me: Perfect. Let's get married. We shall have our ceremony in the parking lot of McDonald's then get drunk and play in the ball pit. 

If the employees catch us in the play place I shall act retarded and you pretend to be my sister that's babysitting me. They shall pity me and let us go
2/25/2014 7:47:16 PM

Her: I do

Me: Beautiful because I'm a hot mess and I love you
2/25/2014 7:53:30 PM

Her: Well shit. Where have you been all my life..?!
2/25/2014 7:56:23 PM

Me: I was hiding in a closet buried beneath some clothes until some pokemon freed me from that miserable existence. I owe them my everything
2/25/2014 8:03:57 PM

Me: What are you doing right now? i say we hang out, grab a drink and shoot the shit. 

I promise to keep my seductive powers to a minimum
2/25/2014 8:10:45 PM

Her: I'm a sex goddess.. you can't tame your lust for me. Its too erotic to handle.
2/25/2014 8:14:13 PM

Me: **puts collar on and whips self**

We are safe now. I'm feeling much better
2/25/2014 8:24:10 PM

Her: Lol ok dog
2/25/2014 8:32:27 PM

Me: I must warn you I'm very fertile to the point if you look at me the right way I get pregnant
2/25/2014 8:34:25 PM

Her: I'm pretty sure the word your looking for is spermtastic. I would be the fertile one, unless you have a magical vagina I don't know about.
2/25/2014 8:41:45 PM

Her: Haha ok well my first wish is that you sober up or share.
2/25/2014 8:44:22 PM

Me: **sobers up and shares** 

We should hang out. Have you ever been to HOME of of rand rd?
2/25/2014 8:46:58 PM

Her: lol yea its a fucking high school reunion.
2/25/2014 8:48:45 PM

Me: Yes. yes it is. I ran into too many there from high school around halloween.

Meet me there tonight. It shall be magical
2/25/2014 9:58:02 PM

Her: Lol I would love too
2/26/2014 10:11:51 AM

Me: I owe you a raincheck. I had other things to do. I hope your day is magic with a k and you win the lotto so you can support me and my 27 kids.
2/26/2014 1:02:54 PM

Me: What's your number? I'll text you

Number. Continue on via text. Meet up and chat about things. Bounce to go to another bar. I make a move. It starts getting sexual. "I don't normally do this...". Neither do I. "That's good. Maybe we should go back to my place.

Get there and things get heated. Blowjob commenses. Stops and wants to shower. I watch robot chicken while I wait. Blowjob is all that happens. Go home to my girlfriend.

Feel free to grab my internet dating book, The OKCupid Code 

Feel free to grab my texting book, Cut and Paste Texting

BJR: Feb 24, 2014

Saw this chick on OKCupid.

I opened with "Hi friend!"

Her: you’re intense.

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:28pm
Me: I get that alot. I'm digging the glasses. Seems like something I would wear

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:29pm
Her: haha i bet you do. glad you dig the specs - whats up.

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:45pm
Me: I'm debating what type of awesomeness I'm going to get into tonight. Either way it should involve awesomeness

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:47pm
Her: that actually sounds kind of awesome.

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:48pm
Me: It definitely is. if I was to change my name I would change my middle name to awesomeness

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:49pm
Her: Brock Awesomeness Morgan?

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:53pm
Me: It has a very catchy ring to it. Kinda like skittles. Speaking of which if I became famous I could go by one name like beyonce, madonna, etc only I'd be awesomeness

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:55pm
Her: hmmm i dunno, brock awesomeness morgan kind of sounds more like a cool super dude name.. i don’t know if you’d be a spy or what.. but something awesome.

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:57pm
Me: It's a name that is up there with Justin Timberlake and Scooby Doo. I don't think I could do that to them though they would both get jealous of me and send lawsuits my way. I'm trying to make it big not burn bridges by ruffing feathers

Feb 23, 2014 – 8:59pm
Her: no one wants to ruffle the feathers of JT.

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:01pm
Me: Fuck no. Have you seen him as the omelet in the SNL skit omeleteville..... Yeah.... He's a beast. Don't need that shit coming knocking on my door

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:03pm
Me: What are you up to tonight?

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:08pm
Her: omeletteville? fuck that shit watch homelessville yo. 

and I’m not particularly up to anything i just have to wake up early. sigh.

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:21pm
Me: I think I pulled a muscle watching that. That's funny but I prefer eggs over soup.

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:22pm
Her: i love both eggs and soup... but not together. i don’t like egg drop soup.

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:27pm
Me: I agree together it turns into this nastiness that not even santa can battle.

My favorite soup though is booze and I'm a bit hungry. Might go down to HOME bar. Would you like to join me for a bit?

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:48pm
Her: where is that?

Feb 23, 2014 – 9:55pm
Her: oh i know where that is actually, in arlington heights.. its like 15 minutes from me. but i didn’t reply fast enough.. so i hope you have a really awesome midnight snack and all that jazz.

Feb 24, 2014 – 3:35pm
Her: I didn't end up going there. Someone stopped by unexpectantly

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:27pm
Me: Ahh well that's fun I guess lol

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:30pm
Me: What's fun is songs on repeat. Last time I busted that out....hold on.....yea.... now playing. Dark horse by katy perry

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:35pm
Her: Well now I have that one stuck in my head gee thanks lol

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:41pm
Me: I'll make it up to you later by singing you the lamb chop song

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:46pm
Her: Hmm I dunno. I was once serenaded with the gummi bears theme.

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:46pm
Her: So that needs to be topped

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:48pm
Me: I hope you recorded it so I can watch it

Feb 24, 2014 – 4:55pm
Her: Haha sadly no! The only access point is my noggin.

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:08pm
Me: With the technology of today we can download it into a computer and watch it. I'll bring popcorn!

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:22pm
Her: cool! get me a chicago mix from garretts pleeeease 

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:26pm
Me: My name is Jared and I have none of these mixes you speak about. You may want to check with your local grocery store or gas station.

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:27pm
Her: wait, it’s not brock? so brock awesomeness morgan really isn’t your name now... what about Jared Awesomeness Morgan? or is morgan not real either. my poor brain!

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:30pm
Me: Its cool. I'm a puzzle wrapped in an enigma inside of a box. and you thought a rubix cube is hard....

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:32pm
Me: are you hungry at all?

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:33pm
Her: ooooo... well, i did play “the room” and beat it so you never know what i can solve. 

and I’m actually eating dinner as we speak lol I’m sorry. i made soup (no eggs)

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:36pm
Me: Bogus to that preview. It showed me nothing but a box getting a key put into it and opened

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:40pm
Her: the games quite a brain teaser, you have to spin the box and hunt for clues to open it fully

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:41pm
Me: sounds fun. you can be my cheerleader and give me clues. we can make it a drinking game even though you have an advantage

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:42pm
Her: haha well i haven’t played it in a while but i could try my best 

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:43pm
Me: I have some time to kill. Lets do this then

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:45pm
Her: haha do what? just meet up and have me cheer you on as you play?

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:46pm
Me: sure! it'll be fun!!! I'll meet you at home like i would have yesterday but got busy and we can get drinks and chat.

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:47pm
Her: hmm is it cool if i finish my soup first? lol

Feb 24, 2014 – 5:51pm
Me: Sure take your time

Got her number after this and started chatting. Around 8pm I met up with her at a bar. Had some drinks, chatted, played some pool and told her I wanted to leave. Walked her to her car and when she unlocked it I opened the back door. I hopped in and pulled her in with me. From here it was simple escalation. Making out to getting a blowjob to getting her shirt off. She seemed down for sex, but I didn't have time to go back to her place as I had a girlfriend to get home to. Blew my load in her mouth and had her drop me off. 

Feel free to grab my internet dating book, The OKCupid Code 

Feel free to grab my texting book, Cut and Paste Texting

Turning around the "who the fuck is this" via text

I had met this chick on the street while doing the walk of glory after banging that chick from Feb 15th. I waited almost a week to initiate the conversation.

Feb 23, 2014

Me: Do u always pick up guys on the street that are looking for the train? lol -Jared

Her: lol i promote my friends who are gay for that money

Me: I knew it. I can see you as the madam type. Not so much the "better get my money hoe" type. Im classy though. $5 blow jobs or stop wasting my time. Theres money to be made on these streets. ;)

Her: Wtd r u

(I misunderstood and thought she was asking where)

Me: I'm in schaumburg atm

Her: Thats nice

Her: Who the fuck is this

(I waited 16 hours and then responded)

Me: Im a thing of magic. Some people call me Justin Timberlake. You can call me Jared. We met last week when I was walking down the street in the midst of a walk of glory while drinking a beer and looking for either the blue or brown line. I told u we should be friends and u text me before continuing ur journey to the store.

Her: Oh hey lol

Me: I'm thinking of going out and making some questionable decisions. Care to join me?

Her: Where ya thinking? I gotta tun around for a bit and ill hit u up

Me: I'm thinking boystown but anywhere they have rude bartenders and alcohol works for me

Her: Cheap drinks?

Her: R u on fb

Me: Cheap drinks is always a plus. **gives facebook link**

Her: **her fb link** I added u

Me: That's pretty clever. I wish I had a mustcache like whats going on in ur profile pic

Her: lol

Her: Ya know...its all fun

Me: I feel ya. I'm debating what type of awesomeness to get in. Either way it should involve awesomeness

Her: lol my friends are having a party at their crib

Her: near irving and sheridan

Me: That sounds wonderful only my car is in ththe south side. Unless u can teach me how to teleport I think im going to be out in the nw suburbs the rest of the weekend

Her: where r u

Me: I'm in arlington heights. Want to come join me for drinks?

Her: Damn ur far

Her: How were u planning to get out here

Me: I was planning on hopping the train. The last one already came.

Her: Lame i would have grabbed ya down the street if u were here

Her: Doh!

Me: Thems the brakes. It's like that one time I played slots and it came up jackpot jackpot squirrel

Her: So ur a raver(once a candy kid)dj/breakz lover?

Her: Lol u said plur so...

Her: Boom bap, boom bap, BOomBaP

Her: Lol

Her: Dnb? dub? house? techno? trance? minimal? new skool? breakbeats? techhouse? deep? what?

Her: Trip hop? traphouse? jungle?

Me: I used to yes. Loved x like it was gummy vitamins. Havent for years. I can spin and make music

Her: lol I actually did yesterday for the first time in for ever during the day lol and like sally I passed out

Her: What do you play

Me: That sounds fun. I havent rolled during the day in a long time. I remix all types of dance music

LR- Feb 15, 2014

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:09am
Me:I want to be your wifey. I make great arm candy

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:18am
Her: If I say yes, will you create a website in my honor and text me 38 times a day?

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:22am
Me: Absolutely. For you since your special, lets round it up to an even 40 a day. 

If that's not enough I'm great at washing dishes in a French maid outfit while looking seductive 37% of the time.

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:23am
Her: Wow, 40 texts and 37% seductive. What did I do to deserve this?

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:29am
Me: I saw your profile and time stopped, everything thing around me started to glimmer and sparkle as a band of trumpets started playing in your honor 

Its been the best 20 mins of my life and I never want it to stop

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:30am
Her: And it never has to

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:33am
Me: We shall have our ceremony in the parking lot of McDonald's then get drunk and play in the ball pit. 

If the employees catch us in the play place I shall act retarded and you pretend to be my sister that's babysitting me. They shall pity me and let us go

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:38am
Her: You know all the right things to say. 

I'd give up my dream of a drive though in Vegas for some fries and a romp in the ball pit.

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:42am
Me: Then we are perfect for each other. 

I must warn you I'm very fertile to the point if you look at me the right way I get pregnant

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:44am
Her: I live on the top floor. Nothing a shove or two down the stairs won't fix

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:49am
Me: I guess I'll be having lots of accidents. I'll make sure to wear a helmet and pads so I don't bruise my elbows and knees. We don't need people thinking you beat me

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:50am
Her: Don't forget the face mask. Can't have anything happen to that meal ticket.

Feb 9, 2014 – 8:51am
Me: Yes otherwise we'd have to rely on my cooking skills and we both know that I'm only good at making a mean slice of bread

Feb 9, 2014 – 9:11am
Her: Learn how to melt some cheese on it and I'll keep you well into your old age, as your meal ticket starts to sag and your fertility dwindles

Feb 9, 2014 – 9:31am
me: Sounds like a plan. This conversation is a binding contract. The gods of okcupid have seen all. 

I'll learn how to melt whatever "cheese" is if you promise to lock me in a very tiny cage or a couple hours a day. It's the only way I can feel safe.

Feb 9, 2014 – 9:32am
Her: You're in luck - I have a very tiny cage.

Feb 9, 2014 – 9:47am
Me: I hope it's ends up being like this 

Any more room and it would be too comfortable. I'm not a big fan of comfort. 

Also needs to be under a leaking water pipe so this way I can sleep until ridiculously exhausted and even so I end up soaked like I went swimming

Feb 9, 2014 – 10:28am
Her: Hmm. I just got my ceiling leak fixed Friday. What about next to open windows... would that work for now?

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:08am
Me: As long as it snows on me and keeps me from sweating profusely we are good 

You're so kind. I'm glad you're my owner. Make sure to get me new tags for my collar in case I get lost

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:10am
Her: New tags AND a new collar. I know how to treat my pets.

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:11am
Me: Make sure it has rhinestones. I like to feel like a princess.

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:12am
Her: Whatever you want, sweetheart Wink

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:14am
Me: I'd bring you flowers but I ate them and there's no more because of the snow 

Are you any good at pool? 

Either way lets play for hugs and candy. I like skittles

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:19am
Her: I can manage my way around a pool table. Or distract with my cleavage. Alls fair. Hugs and skittles - you have a deal.

Me: Sounds like a plan. Too bad I don't have my feather boa with me. My sexuality would be a distraction for you. Alas I feel I must throw all the games then so I can buy you stuff

Are you free today?

I promise amazing conversation other than that no promises

Her: Unfortunately I am not. I'm on my way to a drawing session. 

All I ever ask for is amazing conversation

Me: Sounds awesome. Draw me a perfect picture in the form of a photograph.

If you have time tonight lets meet up in boys town. It shall be a thing of magic.

I will make sure to bring flavored syrup so we can make snow cones out of the weather.

Her: I'm drawing a fat man naked. Still want to see? 

Me: Absolutely. Bonus point if he's rubbing his nipples and gazing into my eyes

Her: I'll see what I can do

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:49am
Her: Unfortunately, I don't think he's as fat as I'm hoping for.

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:54am
Me: If it helps ill buy a fat suit and wear it for you. I will be looking like a sexy walrus

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:55am
Her: Will you wear it and eat a pulled pork sandwich and maybe roll about on a pile of slices tomatoes?

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:56am
Me: As long as I can slather myself in mayonnaise first

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:57am
Her: I've got a jar with your name on it

Feb 9, 2014 – 11:59am
Me: Finally my dreams are coming true. It shall be so romantic. Lets film it and post it on YouTube.

Feb 9, 2014 – 7:59pm
Her: Your dreams aren't the only ones coming true Wink

Feb 10, 2014 – 3:12pm
Me: Last night was full of awesomeness. Today has been an adventure so far too.

Just found out I'm hitting up a road trip to get away from the snow or a week or so. 

If you are free today I'd like to give a glimpse into the awesomeness that is me

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:26pm
Her: I'm sorry, this week is starting off on the wrong foot. When are you leaving? Will you still be awesome when you come back?

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:46pm
Me: To be honest... I'm always awesome. Even when I'm not. This is just me so to speak and yes I'm deep too but this is partially my idea of fun and I'm glad that you can keep up. You win 2 points. Get to +5 and win a prize. 

While I'm gone i'm bringing my computer and my ipad. I definitely plan on talking to you while I'm out of town.

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Me: I just snooped your pictures again and part of me wants your tattoo to say "Nestle" but I'm sure it doesn't. 

Formulate letters for me

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Her: Do I only have two points, or have I already earned others? 

Please do keep in touch Smiley 
This is refreshing compared to most of my interactions

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Her:Nosce te ipsum - know yourself

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:56pm
Me: I love it. I went on a 10 day (complete silence) meditation retreat before. 

I didn't once, but now I definitely know myself more than most do

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:57pm
Me: You are actually at 4. You can earn as many as you want but no prizes till I get back

Feb 10, 2014 – 8:59pm
Her: It's a personal reminder to stay true to myself and not compromise who I am and what I want for anyone else.

Feb 10, 2014 – 11:49pm
Me: I may be open sooner. Another business investor of mine. I'll tell you later

Feb 11, 2014 – 12:12am
Her: Keep me posted Smiley

Her: I'm watching the snow fall from my window. Make it to warmer climates yet?

Me: I just found out things. I'm still here and will be her through out the weekend. Let me know if you want to hang out

Me: Enjoy. This just happened 

**Review of mcdonalds I'm putting on yelp because my experience 

"I would give this zero stars for many things. 

1. I was accused of being homeless by the girl at the front counter. That's just rude. I ordered two mcdoubles and pulled out somewhere around $800 to pay for it. 

Customer service. 

I asked for toliet paper and they said no because people steal it. I'm sorry but don't stereotype me because I'm white. 

Then when I asked for the general managers number I was confronted by the assistant manager and told that she didn't have to give it to me because I'm not a customer. What the fuck! person number two saying I'm homeless. Bitches I own my own business fuck you and your $10 an hour job. 

Then I was told if I don't want to deal with it to call the cops. 

Really? You are lucky I don't want to go to jail because right now I want to turn you into a hat"**

Her: That's why you shouldn't eat fast food Wink

Me: I know right. It's like I'm dealing with retards sometimes. What....No place else wants to have you as an employee. 

It's ok if you work in fast food. I still love you.

Her: I work in accounting at a hospital. I have standards for my life

Me: Good you can be my next sugar mama even though I dont need one. 

You make me apples. That's all I want. Apples.

Her: If I'm your sugar mama, you need to reevaluate your standards, haha... 

I have 3 apples.

Me: When I eat eat your apples? I need food and colors

Her: They're red. I always have apples. You can have one just about anytime

Me: I want one now. What are you doing? Let's hang out. Bring apples

Her: I'm laying in bed, lol.. I haven't been sleeping well. Plus I have a bed time because I wake up early. I have lots of rules during the week. It's obnoxious.

Me: I'm worth it. It doesn't get more awesome then this. I break the rules and I'm the best thing that has happened to me all week

Her: I'm sure you are

Me: I think I like this. Let's play. Let me buy things and pet your hair

Her: I could get behind that. I do like a good hair petting. 
Just not tonight. I'm sleepy Smiley

Me: I can respect that as much as I respect a bottle of tequila. When do you want to hang out this weekend and pretend you are my girlfriend?

Her: My Saturday night plans are half confirmed. I'm booked otherwise. I book up pretty quickly, haha. Does that count as pretending to be your girlfriend? Not spending time with you?

Me: I'd like you to drop your possible saturday stuff and just confirm we me. I think you got me pregnant for these messages. We need to talk about that

Her: Bring your helmet when you come over. I'd hate to hurt that pretty little head of yours when I shove you down the stairs 

How soon would I need to let you know about Saturday?

Me: I'm going to go with saturday any later and it'll be in the past

Her: What's your name Smiley

Me: I'm Jared. I'm a good girl and I know it

Feb 13, 2014 – 9:30pm Her: 
Well, Jared. I need to get some sleep. I will let you know about Saturday. **gives number**

Feb 15- Text starts up

Me: Me: Happy belated vday. Do you always pick up cute guys on okc? lol -Jared

Her: If I told you, that would take the fun out of it Wink

Me: So its like a riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in secrecy

Her: Exactly like that. In a box. Locked with no key

Me: Just give me a hammer and it'll be like super smash brothers

Her: I do not doubt this

Me: It shall be a thing of magic like presents when its not christmas

Her: I'm not too familiar with that concept

Her: haha

Me: It's like the saying about the world being a happier place if everyday was like christmas that goes like this world would be a happier place if everyday is christmas

Her: I hate holidays

Her: If everyday was like christmas, i'd be constantly at home watching sad movies and eating takeout

Me: That's sad. Sounds like someone took it hard when they found out santa and the easter bunny were the same person. I found that out when I was 8 and kept it too myself bc i didn't want to lose out on santas gifts

Her: I found out much earlier, but I don't think I was ever convinced. haha I just get really uncomfortable around the holidays

Her: I think you should do nice things for people because they're important to you and you care, not because it's a holiday

Me: I like where your head is.

Her: Thanks Smiley

Me: I just saw the coolest dog. It had boots on

Me: You're welcome Smiley

Me:This is too funny. Im getting done with work. My buddy forgot the passcode to his phone and won't stop messing with him. You have a voicemail. You have a voicemail. You have a voicemail. All day

Her: What is your work?

Her: Sorry for the delay. I took a nap Smiley

Me: It's cool. Theres no statue of limitations with texts. Im in sales. My buddy wanted to make some cash so i was into it

Her: I've been warned to never trust a salesman

Me: Thats a good plan because we are all reptiles in a suit even when we aren't

Her: Basically. I'm a sucker for anything in a suit though

Me: Good to know. My favorite suit is when I dress up as batman

Her: Is it the suit with nipples? That one might be my favorite

Her: Is it the suit with nipples? That one might be my favorite

Me: Close. I cut holes so my nipples show and people can get a sneak peek

Her: Even better

2 hours go by and I ask if she's busy. We decided to meet up. On the way convo continues in the same fashion. About an hour and a half into hanging out at the bar we've already made out and she's stroking my knees and legs in a sexual manner. i ask if she wants to get out of there. We bounce to her place. We talk about sex and bdsm while there. The transition to sex is seemless. We bang and I spend the night.