Me:I want to be your wifey. I make great arm candy
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:18am
Her: If I say yes, will you create a website in my honor and text me 38 times a day?
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:22am
Me: Absolutely. For you since your special, lets round it up to an even 40 a day.
If that's not enough I'm great at washing dishes in a French maid outfit while looking seductive 37% of the time.
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:23am
Her: Wow, 40 texts and 37% seductive. What did I do to deserve this?
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:29am
Me: I saw your profile and time stopped, everything thing around me started to glimmer and sparkle as a band of trumpets started playing in your honor
Its been the best 20 mins of my life and I never want it to stop
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:30am
Her: And it never has to
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:33am
Me: We shall have our ceremony in the parking lot of McDonald's then get drunk and play in the ball pit.
If the employees catch us in the play place I shall act retarded and you pretend to be my sister that's babysitting me. They shall pity me and let us go
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:38am
Her: You know all the right things to say.
I'd give up my dream of a drive though in Vegas for some fries and a romp in the ball pit.
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:42am
Me: Then we are perfect for each other.
I must warn you I'm very fertile to the point if you look at me the right way I get pregnant
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:44am
Her: I live on the top floor. Nothing a shove or two down the stairs won't fix
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:49am
Me: I guess I'll be having lots of accidents. I'll make sure to wear a helmet and pads so I don't bruise my elbows and knees. We don't need people thinking you beat me
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:50am
Her: Don't forget the face mask. Can't have anything happen to that meal ticket.
Feb 9, 2014 – 8:51am
Me: Yes otherwise we'd have to rely on my cooking skills and we both know that I'm only good at making a mean slice of bread
Feb 9, 2014 – 9:11am
Her: Learn how to melt some cheese on it and I'll keep you well into your old age, as your meal ticket starts to sag and your fertility dwindles
Feb 9, 2014 – 9:31am
me: Sounds like a plan. This conversation is a binding contract. The gods of okcupid have seen all.
I'll learn how to melt whatever "cheese" is if you promise to lock me in a very tiny cage or a couple hours a day. It's the only way I can feel safe.
Feb 9, 2014 – 9:32am
Her: You're in luck - I have a very tiny cage.
Feb 9, 2014 – 9:47am
Me: I hope it's ends up being like this
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2535302/Cruel-craze-stuffing-pet-cat-glass-jars-takes-off.html
Any more room and it would be too comfortable. I'm not a big fan of comfort.
Also needs to be under a leaking water pipe so this way I can sleep until ridiculously exhausted and even so I end up soaked like I went swimming
Feb 9, 2014 – 10:28am
Her: Hmm. I just got my ceiling leak fixed Friday. What about next to open windows... would that work for now?
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:08am
Me: As long as it snows on me and keeps me from sweating profusely we are good
You're so kind. I'm glad you're my owner. Make sure to get me new tags for my collar in case I get lost
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:10am
Her: New tags AND a new collar. I know how to treat my pets.
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:11am
Me: Make sure it has rhinestones. I like to feel like a princess.
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:12am
Her: Whatever you want, sweetheart
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:14am
Me: I'd bring you flowers but I ate them and there's no more because of the snow
Are you any good at pool?
Either way lets play for hugs and candy. I like skittles
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:19am
Her: I can manage my way around a pool table. Or distract with my cleavage. Alls fair. Hugs and skittles - you have a deal.
Me: Sounds like a plan. Too bad I don't have my feather boa with me. My sexuality would be a distraction for you. Alas I feel I must throw all the games then so I can buy you stuff
Are you free today?
I promise amazing conversation other than that no promises
Her: Unfortunately I am not. I'm on my way to a drawing session.
All I ever ask for is amazing conversation
Me: Sounds awesome. Draw me a perfect picture in the form of a photograph.
If you have time tonight lets meet up in boys town. It shall be a thing of magic.
I will make sure to bring flavored syrup so we can make snow cones out of the weather.
Her: I'm drawing a fat man naked. Still want to see?
Me: Absolutely. Bonus point if he's rubbing his nipples and gazing into my eyes
Her: I'll see what I can do
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:49am
Her: Unfortunately, I don't think he's as fat as I'm hoping for.
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:54am
Me: If it helps ill buy a fat suit and wear it for you. I will be looking like a sexy walrus
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:55am
Her: Will you wear it and eat a pulled pork sandwich and maybe roll about on a pile of slices tomatoes?
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:56am
Me: As long as I can slather myself in mayonnaise first
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:57am
Her: I've got a jar with your name on it
Feb 9, 2014 – 11:59am
Me: Finally my dreams are coming true. It shall be so romantic. Lets film it and post it on YouTube.
Feb 9, 2014 – 7:59pm
Her: Your dreams aren't the only ones coming true
Feb 10, 2014 – 3:12pm
Me: Last night was full of awesomeness. Today has been an adventure so far too.
Just found out I'm hitting up a road trip to get away from the snow or a week or so.
If you are free today I'd like to give a glimpse into the awesomeness that is me
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:26pm
Her: I'm sorry, this week is starting off on the wrong foot. When are you leaving? Will you still be awesome when you come back?
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:46pm
Me: To be honest... I'm always awesome. Even when I'm not. This is just me so to speak and yes I'm deep too but this is partially my idea of fun and I'm glad that you can keep up. You win 2 points. Get to +5 and win a prize.
While I'm gone i'm bringing my computer and my ipad. I definitely plan on talking to you while I'm out of town.
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Me: I just snooped your pictures again and part of me wants your tattoo to say "Nestle" but I'm sure it doesn't.
Formulate letters for me
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Her: Do I only have two points, or have I already earned others?
Please do keep in touch
This is refreshing compared to most of my interactions
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:50pm
Her:Nosce te ipsum - know yourself
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:56pm
Me: I love it. I went on a 10 day (complete silence) meditation retreat before.
I didn't once, but now I definitely know myself more than most do
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:57pm
Me: You are actually at 4. You can earn as many as you want but no prizes till I get back
Feb 10, 2014 – 8:59pm
Her: It's a personal reminder to stay true to myself and not compromise who I am and what I want for anyone else.
Feb 10, 2014 – 11:49pm
Me: I may be open sooner. Another business investor of mine. I'll tell you later
Feb 11, 2014 – 12:12am
Her: Keep me posted
Her: I'm watching the snow fall from my window. Make it to warmer climates yet?
Me: I just found out things. I'm still here and will be her through out the weekend. Let me know if you want to hang out
Me: Enjoy. This just happened
**Review of mcdonalds I'm putting on yelp because my experience
"I would give this zero stars for many things.
1. I was accused of being homeless by the girl at the front counter. That's just rude. I ordered two mcdoubles and pulled out somewhere around $800 to pay for it.
Customer service.
I asked for toliet paper and they said no because people steal it. I'm sorry but don't stereotype me because I'm white.
Then when I asked for the general managers number I was confronted by the assistant manager and told that she didn't have to give it to me because I'm not a customer. What the fuck! person number two saying I'm homeless. Bitches I own my own business fuck you and your $10 an hour job.
Then I was told if I don't want to deal with it to call the cops.
Really? You are lucky I don't want to go to jail because right now I want to turn you into a hat"**
Her: That's why you shouldn't eat fast food
Me: I know right. It's like I'm dealing with retards sometimes. What....No place else wants to have you as an employee.
It's ok if you work in fast food. I still love you.
Her: I work in accounting at a hospital. I have standards for my life
Me: Good you can be my next sugar mama even though I dont need one.
You make me apples. That's all I want. Apples.
Her: If I'm your sugar mama, you need to reevaluate your standards, haha...
I have 3 apples.
Me: When I eat eat your apples? I need food and colors
Her: They're red. I always have apples. You can have one just about anytime
Me: I want one now. What are you doing? Let's hang out. Bring apples
Her: I'm laying in bed, lol.. I haven't been sleeping well. Plus I have a bed time because I wake up early. I have lots of rules during the week. It's obnoxious.
Me: I'm worth it. It doesn't get more awesome then this. I break the rules and I'm the best thing that has happened to me all week
Her: I'm sure you are
Me: I think I like this. Let's play. Let me buy things and pet your hair
Her: I could get behind that. I do like a good hair petting.
Just not tonight. I'm sleepy
Me: I can respect that as much as I respect a bottle of tequila. When do you want to hang out this weekend and pretend you are my girlfriend?
Her: My Saturday night plans are half confirmed. I'm booked otherwise. I book up pretty quickly, haha. Does that count as pretending to be your girlfriend? Not spending time with you?
Me: I'd like you to drop your possible saturday stuff and just confirm we me. I think you got me pregnant for these messages. We need to talk about that
Her: Bring your helmet when you come over. I'd hate to hurt that pretty little head of yours when I shove you down the stairs
How soon would I need to let you know about Saturday?
Me: I'm going to go with saturday any later and it'll be in the past
Her: What's your name
Me: I'm Jared. I'm a good girl and I know it
Feb 13, 2014 – 9:30pm Her: Well, Jared. I need to get some sleep. I will let you know about Saturday. **gives number**
Feb 15- Text starts up
Me: Me: Happy belated vday. Do you always pick up cute guys on okc? lol -Jared
Her: If I told you, that would take the fun out of it
Me: So its like a riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in secrecy
Her: Exactly like that. In a box. Locked with no key
Me: Just give me a hammer and it'll be like super smash brothers
Her: I do not doubt this
Me: It shall be a thing of magic like presents when its not christmas
Her: I'm not too familiar with that concept
Her: haha
Me: It's like the saying about the world being a happier place if everyday was like christmas that goes like this world would be a happier place if everyday is christmas
Her: I hate holidays
Her: If everyday was like christmas, i'd be constantly at home watching sad movies and eating takeout
Me: That's sad. Sounds like someone took it hard when they found out santa and the easter bunny were the same person. I found that out when I was 8 and kept it too myself bc i didn't want to lose out on santas gifts
Her: I found out much earlier, but I don't think I was ever convinced. haha I just get really uncomfortable around the holidays
Her: I think you should do nice things for people because they're important to you and you care, not because it's a holiday
Me: I like where your head is.
Her: Thanks
Me: I just saw the coolest dog. It had boots on
Me: You're welcome
Me:This is too funny. Im getting done with work. My buddy forgot the passcode to his phone and won't stop messing with him. You have a voicemail. You have a voicemail. You have a voicemail. All day
Her: What is your work?
Her: Sorry for the delay. I took a nap
Me: It's cool. Theres no statue of limitations with texts. Im in sales. My buddy wanted to make some cash so i was into it
Her: I've been warned to never trust a salesman
Me: Thats a good plan because we are all reptiles in a suit even when we aren't
Her: Basically. I'm a sucker for anything in a suit though
Me: Good to know. My favorite suit is when I dress up as batman
Her: Is it the suit with nipples? That one might be my favorite
Her: Is it the suit with nipples? That one might be my favorite
Me: Close. I cut holes so my nipples show and people can get a sneak peek
Her: Even better
2 hours go by and I ask if she's busy. We decided to meet up. On the way convo continues in the same fashion. About an hour and a half into hanging out at the bar we've already made out and she's stroking my knees and legs in a sexual manner. i ask if she wants to get out of there. We bounce to her place. We talk about sex and bdsm while there. The transition to sex is seemless. We bang and I spend the night.
